I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
nutella sex= disaster
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
