dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
