Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
