Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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