Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize