So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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