It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Drunk is not a location!
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