Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
