I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
