I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
