I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
