This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
