I wish I could teleport
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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