when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
