I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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