when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
