i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize