I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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