the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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