I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
