I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
