I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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