first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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