I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
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