So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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