I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize