The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
barbara walters just said penis...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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