Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
