I can text with my tongue
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
