Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
