Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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