I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
