u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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