Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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