I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
