I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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