You really coming over, don't trick.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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