So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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