So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
