My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We have so much sex to catch up on
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
