If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
