Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
