dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize