I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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