it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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