This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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