Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
