Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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