my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
