I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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