Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
this hospital has no fireball
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize