Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
