if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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