At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
