best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
