I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
