Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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