this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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