I never want to see another naked old woman again.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Slut skills are useful in every country.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
