I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Sorry my hands just texted you
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
