I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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