im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
They took my balls.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Randomize
