I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
