You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
