we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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